The Listing Magazine

Your Online Guide to Royston and Beyond

Get in touch today! Magazine deadlines are around the 13th of each month

01763 248447 hello@thelistingmagazine.co.uk

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • Home
  • Coronavirus
    • Activities for Adults: How to Fill Your Time at Home
    • Activities with Children During Lockdown
    • Business Support During Coronavirus
    • Coronavirus Self Isolation Deliveries List
    • Community Support Groups During Coronavirus
    • Mental Health and Wellbeing During Coronavirus
    • Open for Business
    • A Word from The Listing
  • Magazine Archive
    • Business Profiles & News
    • Community News
    • Herts YOC 2020
    • Hidden Royston
    • Julian’s Business Tips
    • Looking After You
    • Museum Musings
    • My Local Life
    • News from Royston Market
    • Out and About
    • Professional Tips
    • Spotlight On…
    • Tallulah’s Kitchen
    • The Listing News
      • Reviews
  • Business Directory
    • Business Networking
  • Clubs & Societies Directory
  • What’s On
  • Advertise with us
    • About the Magazines
    • Meet the Team
    • Artwork & Advert Design
    • Booking Deadlines
    • Distribution
    • Testimonials
    • Contact us
  • Marketing Services

Helen Froggett: Social Anxiety – Secrets of Small Talk

December 12, 2019 by Tom Fox

‘Tis the season of goodwill to all men (and women). It is also the season where you will  be put in social situations you’ve managed to avoid all year, with people who you either know and like, know and don’t like, know and don’t feel you have anything in common with. Or perhaps don’t know and don’t want to know.

Whatever the occasion, you will be expected to interact with people who you may not have at the top of your Christmas card list….

If we could wave a magic wand which enables you to engage comfortably in these less than usual networking meetings, Christmas parties or family events, would you be interested? The good news is that you possess everything you need already to do this, and all it takes is a little reminder to take us back in time to what we used to do instinctively as little children, before we got all self conscious. When we were curious about the world and the people within it. Before ‘life’ happened!

So let’s make sure we understand what we’re talking about here.

What do I mean by small talk?

And why do some people say they ‘hate it’?

I suppose it starts with how you define yourself in terms of extroversion or introversion. If you are a naturally chatty talkative person (extrovert) then you probably enjoy the social season and can get in touch and give me your tips for ‘small talk’. But if you are uncomfortable talking to anyone, and would rather compose your interactions via email or text, then you might feel a little unprepared to talk to weird Uncle Al, or nutty Nora, wife of Adam in accounts.

Small talk you could say, is the supposedly small social interaction which happens when you first meet or are introduced to someone. They might seem ‘small’ but they are a necessary first step, helping us decide whether we want to continue the contact. Based on how comfortable they make us feel. Simple comments and ground breakers are all that’s required at this stage.

Some people say they hate it because it all seems so shallow and pointless. Of course, many of us prefer the more rewarding conversations that share values and feelings and make a connection with someone, but even those conversations had to start with something, however trivial. What we don’t like I think is the idea of ‘wasting time’ talking to people. BUT if we consider that everyone has something to share with us about themselves which might increase our empathy or understanding about the world in general, then really, there’s no such thing as a wasted conversation.

Listening to someone properly is an act of kindness. The gift you have given that person in feeling heard will stay with them. Possibly for life. Can you remember when someone has unexpectedly seemed genuinely interested in you and really seemed to have heard what you’ve said?

So this nirvana can seem a long way from ‘small talk’. However, I’ve come to see that even the classic British small talk about the weather enables us to assess whether we like the way the person treats us. Are they respectful and giving us attention or are they looking over our shoulder? Do they interrupt every time we say something and direct the conversation back to themselves or do, they ask another question, asking us to elaborate on something we just said?

This ‘small talk’ helps us decide if we want to continue sharing the space with them. But what paralyses us perhaps is that we are all aware that everyone makes snap decisions about us in the first few seconds. (As indeed do we about other people). So rather than make the wrong impression by for example, saying the ‘wrong thing’ we might prefer to avoid the whole thing and not risk someone’s displeasure with us. People used to describe themselves as shy. Now it’s called ‘social anxiety’. However, there comes a point in all of our lives where we cannot hide behind being shy or anxious, and we cannot simply ignore this first important step. We have to ‘engage’.

How you do this is actually essentially simple. We need to forget about ourselves and focus on the other person. Yes, it really is that simple. Yet most of us are self interested and this doesn’t come naturally.

However, it’s worth considering as it removes the need to have a witty one liner up our sleeves or some amazing news to impart. In fact, if we look at it, having something impressive to say about yourself is a recipe for disaster. How would you react if someone started talking about themselves as their opener? Unasked that is? What I am trying to say is, we don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing, or indeed having anything ‘to say’ about ourselves, because the universal truth is that no one is interested, in that moment, in us. They are obsessed with themselves and hoping that we like them. So we are preoccupied with whether we fit in and whether the other person likes us, and they are too. Someone has to take the lead here and help things along, and that person could be you!

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. It’s the fundamental principle that our society is based upon – finding our tribe and being accepted within it. Loners are not governable. Society wants us to want to fit in. And it makes most of us happier to feel that we do fit in.

We are all people pleasers by instinct. From that first moment our smile generated a returned smile there’s action and reward right there. And it never leaves us. Some of us do things which do not help ourselves in our lives, in order to please others. But that’s another story.

So in summary:

Forget yourself; focus on the needs of the other person.

Leave your ego at the door.

Smile as you walk up to someone – you’ll be amazed at how often it’s returned. It also ‘shows your hand’ and indicates that you are friend not foe. We all need a little reassurance with first encounters and we’re all second guessing people’s motives. Smiling (and if you can, looking them in the eye) makes it easy for them to relax and abandon flight or fight reflex!

Enjoy the liberation of listening. If you don’t feel confident talking first, you could sidle up to a group who are already talking, and just listen and nod/laugh in the right place. People love a good listener because you become their audience. And we all love a good audience. It makes us feel special and encouraged to continue. In time, you might find yourself naturally drifting into the conversation.

Just let it flow. Basically, don’t worry about it. If you want to you can even say ‘I never know what to say at these sort of parties/events’, which will almost certainly generate a knowing nod and solidarity with the person you have ‘opened up’ to. They will feel the compliment of seeing the real you and again, the ice is broken.

Ask open ended questions. If you’re feeling like you can cope with saying an opener, simple things can start you off ‘How do you know (the host)?’ ‘How many people do you know here?’ What have you been up to since we last met?’

‘What’ and ‘How’ are particularly effective. If you find you are getting yes and no answers, don’t think ‘they are being hard work’, it’s actually that you are asking the wrong type of questions, ones that only generate a ‘closed’ yes or no response.  Focus on listening properly to the other person, it will make them feel special.

Be curious. Follow up their answers with other questions if they don’t ask you one back and just go with the flow. The ice has been broken. How quickly you delve into ‘interesting’ questions is up to you, but for people much older than me (with whom I used to feel I had nothing in common) I am always interested to know what advice they would give someone of my age (people love giving advice). Asking about the changes they’ve seen in their lifetimes and which have been the most interesting/positive or even negative and problematic for them is always a winner. There’s a chance you’ll be genuinely fascinated by their life stories!

Open your heart, enable other people to tell their stories and notice how you feel more connected with everyone and everything around you! Yes, it’s the season of goodwill! Hope you have a good one!

If you want to get in touch please email
Helen@theaccountancypractice.com
www.theaccountancypractice.com

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Helen Froggett, Professional

Open for Business

5 Reasons to Shop Local

5 Reasons to Shop Local

5 Reasons to Shop Local One unexpected and welcome outcome from the first Coronavirus lockdown is the way in which many small businesses adapted and kept trading and now with the second lockdown … [Read More...]

Open for Business: Flamingo Paperie

Open for Business: Flamingo Paperie

Flamingo Paperie have a number of new craft kits and craft paper, ideal for children whilst you are at home during lockdown. View the different projects available here in their online … [Read More...]

Open for Business: Bumpkins Nursery

Open for Business: Bumpkins Nursery

Open for Business: Bumpkins Nursery Bumpkins is open for business and delighted to be supporting the children of key workers throughout this time. We are missing seeing the happy smiling … [Read More...]

Open for Business: Barbara’s Flowers

Open for Business: Barbara’s Flowers

Open for Business: Barbara's Flowers Barbara’s Flowers are still delivering. If you would like to send a bouquet to someone special, simply call Barbara on 01763 246200 or 07730 435643. … [Read More...]

Open for Business: Kelly’s Kitchen

Open for Business: Kelly’s Kitchen

Open for Business: Kelly’s Kitchen Kelly from Kelly’s Kitchen in Royston has been running weekly live bake alongs on her Facebook page with her two children. So far they have made Banana Bread, The … [Read More...]

More Open for Business

The Listing Royston February 2021

The Listing SG8 Villages February 2021

Find us on Facebook

thelisting

Royston’s monthly magazine issued online & delivered to 16500 households in Royston& surrounding SG8 villages
https://linkin.bio/thelisting

The Listing
Instagram post 17903299576707819 @trademarkkitchensandbathrooms Winter Sale runs until 31st January 2021... ⁠⁠To find out more visit: https://trademark-kitchens.co.uk/⁠Please mention #TheListing when calling. ⁠⁠#TrademarkKitchensandBathrooms #TrademarkKitchens #Royston #ShopLocal #TradeLocal #Kitchen #Bathrooms #KitchenDesign #BathroomDesign #JanuarySale #WinterSale
Instagram post 17857368458484231 #InstagramShoutOut Each month, we feature three #Instagram accounts which are interesting, engaging, and will give you a reason to follow them. ⁠This month we feature...⁠⁠🌟 @daisybosew making memories to treasure (and save clothes going in the bin) by making blankets, cushion covers, bags, clothes and more, from baby clothing that parents don't want to part with. ⁠⁠🌟 @kellys_cake_kitchen documents her journey making unique cakes and treats on her instagram account as well as photos of orders too. She's recently been making cakes for TOWIE filming and styled photo shoots with local suppliers. Plus regular competitions too.⁠⁠🌟 @heather_dawninspirations all aspects of interior design, turning your vision into a reality.  Weekly website blog on Thursdays, showcasing inspirational interior design. ⁠⁠For your chance to be featured in #TheListing magazines and monthly #InstaShoutOuts direct message with your details on our #Insta page: https://www.instagram.com/thelisting/⁠⁠💥 #SupportLocal #ShopLocal #BuyLocal #ShoutOut #ShoutOutForSupport #SupportSmallBusiness #TheListingFreeShoutOuts #DaisyBoSew #KellysCakeKitchen #HeatherDawnInspiration 💥
Load More... Follow on Instagram

What's On Upcoming Events

Jan
30
Sat
8.00am Herts Country Market
Herts Country Market
Jan 30 @ 8.00am
Herts Country Market
Every Saturday, 8am at Royston Corn Exchange.  
8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
Jan 30 @ 8.00am – 2.00pm
Royston Outdoor Market
Every Saturday, 8am – 2pm, at Royston Market Square.
Jan
31
Sun
10.30am Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Jan 31 @ 10.30am – 12.00pm
Royston Methodist Church Sunday Service (Via Zoom) @ Royston Methodist Church
Join us for our Sunday service via zoom, either on your PC, laptop, iPad, tablet, mobile phone or home phone. Information about joining the meeting and what to expect is available on the church website, at  www.royston-methodist.org.uk/ under the “Notices” section. Rev Charity and the Church Stewards are doing all they can to continue to serve us all as a church whilst the crisis continues and thereafter.
Feb
3
Wed
8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
Feb 3 @ 8.00am – 2.00pm
Royston Outdoor Market
Every Saturday, 8am – 2pm, at Royston Market Square.
Feb
4
Thu
8.00am Royston Business Networking @ Online
Royston Business Networking @ Online
Feb 4 @ 8.00am – 9.00am
Royston Business Networking @ Online
Every Thursday 8-9am, online Connect with local businesses! Each session includes a one/two minute introduction, break-out rooms to have a one-to-one catch up then rejoin the main group for leads, tips and referrals! To find out more about attending email, Tony at tony.field@amixan.co.uk To find out more about the group and our current members visit, www.roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk or email, info@roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk
8.00pm Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Feb 4 @ 8.00pm – 9.00pm
Royston & District Local History Society @ Online
Our next meeting will be on February 4th at 8pm on Zoom, when Anthony Poulton-Smith will talk about Place Names.  If you would like to join us, please contact David Allard by email, as follows:  david.slade.allard@gmail.com
8.00pm Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Feb 4 @ 8.00pm – 9.00pm
Royston & District Local History Society Talk @ Online
Thu 4th Feb, 8pm-9pm via Zoom Anthony Poulton-Smith, illustrated talk on Zoom. Visit www.roystonlocalhistory.org.uk or contact David Allard on 01763 242677 for more information
Feb
6
Sat
8.00am Herts Country Market
Herts Country Market
Feb 6 @ 8.00am
Herts Country Market
Every Saturday, 8am at Royston Corn Exchange.  
8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
Feb 6 @ 8.00am – 2.00pm
Royston Outdoor Market
Every Saturday, 8am – 2pm, at Royston Market Square.
10.00am Orwell Pannier Market
Orwell Pannier Market
Feb 6 @ 10.00am – 12.00pm
Orwell Pannier Market
Check out the wide range of stalls, shop in safety, and have a cuppa while chatting with family and friends – socially distanced of course! First Saturday of the month, from 10am-12pm. The postcode for the Recreation Ground is SG8 5QJ.
10.00am Town Centre Surgeries
Town Centre Surgeries
Feb 6 @ 10.00am – 11.30am
Town Centre Surgeries
Town Centre surgeries on Saturdays 10-11:30am in Angel Pavement: 5th September 2020 17th October 2020 5th December 2020 16th January 2021 27th February 2021 10th April 2021   Zoom (online) surgeries monthly on the 1st Saturday of each month at 11am, except when there is a town centre surgery: 5th September 2020 (only if town centre is unable to go ahead) 3rd October 2020 7th November 2020 2nd January 2021 6th February 2021 6th March 2021 3rd April 2021 1st May 2021
Feb
7
Sun
10.30am Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Feb 7 @ 10.30am – 12.00pm
Royston Methodist Church Sunday Service (Via Zoom) @ Royston Methodist Church
Join us for our Sunday service via zoom, either on your PC, laptop, iPad, tablet, mobile phone or home phone. Information about joining the meeting and what to expect is available on the church website, at  www.royston-methodist.org.uk/ under the “Notices” section. Rev Charity and the Church Stewards are doing all they can to continue to serve us all as a church whilst the crisis continues and thereafter.
Feb
10
Wed
8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
Feb 10 @ 8.00am – 2.00pm
Royston Outdoor Market
Every Saturday, 8am – 2pm, at Royston Market Square.
Feb
11
Thu
all-day Consensus HR: Management Develop...
Consensus HR: Management Develop...
Feb 11 all-day
Consensus HR: Management Development Workshops
Consensus HR continually run a range of fact and knowledge gaining, informal, friendly & exciting HR Management / business owner development workshops designed to equip individuals with the skills required to run their businesses successfully. If your business would like to run a specific HR Workshop such as Performance Management, Disciplinary & Grievance Management, or Customer Service to name a few, please get in contact today or alternatively book on to one of our next planned events shown below. Managing Discipline in the workforce (Disciplinary & Grievance) – Thurs 11th Feb  – 9:30 am – 15:30 pm Communication Skills – Thursday 11th March 2021 – 9:30am – 13:30 pm Team Building – Thurs 15th April 2021 – 9:30am – 15:30 pm Coaching Skills – Thurs 13th May 2021 – 9:30am – 13:30 pm Successful Recruitment – Thurs 10th June 2021 – 9:30am – 13:30 pm Delegation Skills – Thurs 8th July[...]
View Calendar
The Listing, 2 Kiln House Yard, Baldock Street, Royston, Herts SG8 5AY
Call us on 01763 248447 or click here to send us an email
Copyright © 2021 , The Listing
  • Contact us
  • Advertise with us
  • Privacy Notice
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.
This site uses cookies: Find out more.