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Helen Froggett-Thomson: Love in the time of Corona…

March 25, 2020 by Tom Fox

Using Compassion to diffuse Conflict…

Helen Froggett-Thomson from Thomson Training is an irrepressible entrepreneur and former Hertfordshire Businesswoman of the Year. Her down to earth approach and thirty years of coaching and creation of communication, sales and leadership strategies has transformed hundreds of small businesses and their teams.

Everything has changed, almost overnight. And high stress and uncertainty bring tricky communication issues to the fore. Now more than ever, we need to think about how we use our own approach to communication to achieve the greater good. We’re trying to hold things together but in that state of perpetual anxiety it doesn’t take much to push us over the edge. In short we’re going to have to be much kinder to ourselves, be more patient with each other. And forgive more quickly and cut everyone some slack.

We’re all familiar with random acts of kindness, but how do kindness and compassion translate into our daily dialogues? We’ve all been there. Someone’s said something to us which has hit a nerve. Our instinct is perhaps to explode in indignation, embarrassment and a huge desire to defend ourselves. In the current climate it could be a disagreement about what to buy as essentials, who is getting up with the children or any number of fraught scenarios which working from home/being with our families 24/7 could generate. Some issues will require hard decision making and uncomfortable outcomes. There is no blue print here. We’ve got to rely on what feels right for us. Listen to ourselves. And as importantly, listen to others. That’s difficult at the best of times but now, it’s even more vital.

A cycle of conflict is so easy to sink into. Many cohabiting couples will recognise this cycle and while it’s entirely natural and present in most households, it’s also hugely damaging and eats away at the very foundations of a loving relationship and family life.

In the next few months we will be spending a lot more time with our ‘loved ones’. The people who we usually have a ‘break’ from, for many hours a week. The potential for explosive dialogue is huge and it would be far better to be living in relative harmony than a potential war zone.

We all know that ‘communication’ is the key and cure to pretty much everything. But it’s so ‘trite’ and well, just so damned difficult. And what does it mean anyway?

It’s such a big topic but I’d like to share some thoughts on helping yourself have the best outcome to the next situation which makes you feel uncomfortable and defensive, using kindness and compassion.

The first thing we need to remember is that we have a choice about how we react. Yes someone’s put something across in a poor way. But perhaps it’s taken them all their courage to bring the issue up in the first place? Or they’ve just blurted something out, just after thinking to themselves ‘no, don’t say anything, wait’. I know I have!

We might have been dealt an unkind and exaggerated personal blow, or simply a mild comment we’ve taken as criticism but we have a CHOICE about whether to make it better or worse. While it’s obviously easier if both parties are on the same page here, in reality it’s not likely at this stage. So you have the opportunity to take responsibility and take the lead, even if you feel like you’re the victim. How reassuring!

Communication can be broken down into ‘receiving and transmitting’. The essence of a standard conversation.  But if you add the heat of negativity and potential conflict into the mix it can go wrong in an instant.

  • Receiving -active listening, being really present and showing we’ve heard; being empathetic
  • Transmitting – expressing clearly, in a way that can be heard without judgement, what we want to say.

Both of these elements are present in compassion. We need to be mindful of our needs and values and those of others. And they are not always obvious. We need to resist the temptation to assume.

What we receive/hear is open to a lot of interpretation by us – if nothing else, our past experiences and assumptions of similar words/behaviour and an instinct to protect ourselves and our reputation. So we are likely to jump into verbal action quickly without analysing our feelings or considering our needs. Or theirs. How often is the phrase ‘you’re not listening to me’ or ‘you never listen to me’ at the start of something pretty negative?

It’s clear that the feeling of not being heard is the root of many conflict situations.

  1. The easiest way to diffuse a difficult situation is to show you’ve heard what they’ve said. This also buys you time to think about how their comment has made you feel so you can work out how to respond.

How do you show you’ve heard what they said? The temptation is to start with ‘you…..’ but this is loaded with accusation and when people feel defensive their instinct is to interrupt. And then you are both talking over each other and it’s getting heated as you raise your voices to try to be HEARD! Sound familiar? If this happens, all is not lost. Just take stock and start again. Perhaps even apologise and say ‘this is getting out of hand. Can we take a minute and start again?’ It’s never too late to be compassionate. We’re all human, all trying to meet our own high expectations of ourselves to live our best life.

So starting the ‘showing you’ve heard’ part needs to start ideally with ‘I can see/understand/feel that you are angry/hurt/confused by … and not, ‘you are…’. Much safer to always start this repeating back with the word ‘I’ and go from there.

The more detail you can add after this ‘I’ the better, using words that they actually said. This PROVES YOU WERE LISTENING like nothing else will do. This in itself can have a massively calming effect.  It’s not uncommon for someone to start to back pedal at this point when they realise they’ve perhaps come across a bit strong in an attempt to shock you into some sort of reaction.

  1. Now’s the chance to need to express your feelings. Their comment might have blindsided you. They’ve taken something out of context/misunderstood what you did or said? You could actually apologise for the situation escalating. ‘I’m sorry that what I said made you feel that way (and then continue to explain what you heard them say, and then go on to explain how you feel or what you actually meant….’ etc. That’s if you are of course. There’s no room for dishonesty here.

So you’ve shown them you’ve heard, you’ve perhaps shown some empathy  (seeing it from their point of view) and started to express your feelings.

  1. Now you need to resolve and move forward. Depending on the situation the resolution could be simple or complex. Let it flow. Let the person talk. Express what you need or were intending to convey. Try to use non judgemental language and blaming. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘can I have a minute here, I just need to think before I say any more, I don’t want to make this worse….’

So in summary, when you’re feeling ‘attacked’or in a potentially conflicting situation

Step 1 : Listen actively. Be present. Start with ‘showing you’ve heard’ which could start with ‘I can see/understand/feel that you are angry/hurt/confused by …

Step 2. : Express yourself. Again from an ‘I’ perspective. So you’ve shown them you’ve heard, you’ve perhaps shown some empathy  (seeing it from their point of view), apologised or/and started to express your feelings.

Step 3: Find a way forward. Discuss options and agree a plan of action if necessary  or a way to prevent the situation flaring up again if at all possible.

Simples?! Well no, it’s not. But if you try just one thing, showing you’ve heard what someone has said by repeating back and remembering to start with the word ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ will attract more kindness, compassion and understanding into your life, in this most difficult of times. And that’s surely got to be a good thing!? As they say ‘every little helps’!

By Helen Froggett-Thomson from Thomson Training.  March 2020
www.thomsontraining.com  

helen@thomsontraining.com

 

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Filed Under: Business Profiles & News, Helen Froggett, Professional

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Instagram post 17953203511400195 Is It Time To Do Estate Agency Differently In Royston?  A new estate agency owned by a familiar local face opened in Royston in September and promised to do things very differently. They’ve certainly done just that!⁠⁠Rather than taking up another valuable shop unit, Ensum Brown Royston have set themselves up in the new Kooky Nohmad coffee shop on Royston High Street. ⁠⁠Ensum Brown are introducing their new community card project and also launching a ‘Community Fund’ to support local projects and causes. ⁠⁠To read more visit: http://bit.ly/BusinessProfileEnsumBrown ⁠Please mention #TheListing when calling. ⁠⁠#EnsumBrown #EnsumBrownRoyston #EstateAgent #EstateAgentRoyston #RoystonCommunityCard @ensumbrown @ensumbrownlettings @kooky_nohmad
Instagram post 17950448890407912 A busy day here as we go to press with February issues - If you still need to promote your business / organisation this month, why not try our door-to-door leaflet delivery service? Whether you require 1,000 or 16,500 leaflets delivered in Royston and or SG8 villages and Ashwell areas, our leaflet distribution service can help!⁠The Listing offers door-to-door leaflet delivery to businesses and organisations alongside the delivery of the magazines. ⁠⁠We can also help with print, and design, just ask for more details. We would need leaflets with us by Friday 22nd January for delivery with February issues...⁠⁠For more details in price and areas call us on 01763 248447 or email, hello@thelistingmagazine.co.uk ⁠#LeafletDelivery #Print #Design #Distribution #Royston #SG8 #LocalBusiness #Advertising #DoorToDoorDeliveries
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Royston Business Networking @ Online
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Royston Business Networking @ Online
Every Thursday 8-9am, online Connect with local businesses! Each session includes a one/two minute introduction, break-out rooms to have a one-to-one catch up then rejoin the main group for leads, tips and referrals! To find out more about attending email, Tony at tony.field@amixan.co.uk To find out more about the group and our current members visit, www.roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk or email, info@roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk
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Royston Outdoor Market
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Royston Outdoor Market
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Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
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Royston Methodist Church Sunday Service (Via Zoom) @ Royston Methodist Church
Join us for our Sunday service via zoom, either on your PC, laptop, iPad, tablet, mobile phone or home phone. Information about joining the meeting and what to expect is available on the church website, at  www.royston-methodist.org.uk/ under the “Notices” section. Rev Charity and the Church Stewards are doing all they can to continue to serve us all as a church whilst the crisis continues and thereafter.
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8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
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Royston Outdoor Market
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8.00am Royston Business Networking @ Online
Royston Business Networking @ Online
Jan 28 @ 8.00am – 9.00am
Royston Business Networking @ Online
Every Thursday 8-9am, online Connect with local businesses! Each session includes a one/two minute introduction, break-out rooms to have a one-to-one catch up then rejoin the main group for leads, tips and referrals! To find out more about attending email, Tony at tony.field@amixan.co.uk To find out more about the group and our current members visit, www.roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk or email, info@roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk
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Barrington C of E Primary School...
Jan 28 @ 9.00am – 10.00am
Thursday 28th January 2021 and Thursday 17th June 2021 For both of these collections, donations of clothing can be left in bin bags at the front of the school, before 9 am. Bag2School accept the following ‘good quality’ items for RE-USE*: Men’s, Ladies’ and Children’s clothing Paired shoes (tied together or elastic band around) Handbags Hats Bags Scarves and ties Jewellery Lingerie Socks Belts Soft toys Household linen Household curtains Household towels Household bedding (bed sheets, pillow cases and duvet covers) * We reserve the right to refuse any unsuitable items We DO NOT accept: Duvets and blankets Pillows and cushions Carpets, rugs and mats (including bath, shower and toilet mats) Soiled, painted, ripped or wet clothing School uniforms with and without logo Corporate clothing and workwear Textile off cuts, yarns or threaded material
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8.00am Herts Country Market
Herts Country Market
Jan 30 @ 8.00am
Herts Country Market
Every Saturday, 8am at Royston Corn Exchange.  
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Royston Outdoor Market
Jan 30 @ 8.00am – 2.00pm
Royston Outdoor Market
Every Saturday, 8am – 2pm, at Royston Market Square.
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10.30am Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Royston Methodist Church Sunday ... @ Royston Methodist Church
Jan 31 @ 10.30am – 12.00pm
Royston Methodist Church Sunday Service (Via Zoom) @ Royston Methodist Church
Join us for our Sunday service via zoom, either on your PC, laptop, iPad, tablet, mobile phone or home phone. Information about joining the meeting and what to expect is available on the church website, at  www.royston-methodist.org.uk/ under the “Notices” section. Rev Charity and the Church Stewards are doing all they can to continue to serve us all as a church whilst the crisis continues and thereafter.
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8.00am Royston Outdoor Market
Royston Outdoor Market
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Royston Outdoor Market
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8.00am Royston Business Networking @ Online
Royston Business Networking @ Online
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Royston Business Networking @ Online
Every Thursday 8-9am, online Connect with local businesses! Each session includes a one/two minute introduction, break-out rooms to have a one-to-one catch up then rejoin the main group for leads, tips and referrals! To find out more about attending email, Tony at tony.field@amixan.co.uk To find out more about the group and our current members visit, www.roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk or email, info@roystonbusinessnetwork.co.uk
8.00pm Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Feb 4 @ 8.00pm – 9.00pm
Royston & District Local History Society @ Online
Our next meeting will be on February 4th at 8pm on Zoom, when Anthony Poulton-Smith will talk about Place Names.  If you would like to join us, please contact David Allard by email, as follows:  david.slade.allard@gmail.com
8.00pm Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Royston & District Local History... @ Online
Feb 4 @ 8.00pm – 9.00pm
Royston & District Local History Society Talk @ Online
Thu 4th Feb, 8pm-9pm via Zoom Anthony Poulton-Smith, illustrated talk on Zoom. Visit www.roystonlocalhistory.org.uk or contact David Allard on 01763 242677 for more information
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